Yesterday was a very scary day. After her third consecutive night of chemotherapy Daisy had become unresponsive. She could not speak or control her body and would just stare off into space. This sort of catatonic state was only interrupted by occasional crying, whimpering, puking and other bodily functions over which she had very little control. It was terrifying to see little Daisy this way.

The doctors said it was a bad neurological response to one of the three chemotherapy drugs she had been given. They have seen this before, but it is not common. They gave her a drug which they said would counteract the reaction and bring her back to a more normal state. It did not work. They gave it to her two more times. Still no effect. They wanted to give it to her again, but Kate and I refused and simply prayed knowing that they did expect her to eventually just come around. They had never seen the condition be permanent, but we were scared. What if it was permanent? What if the massive doses of chemicals they were giving her to kill the cancer had just fried her brain? It was a really tense period of time.

Praise the Lord, this morning she woke up and said “Daddy, i need to go poo.” I have never been so happy to hear about poo! She is now responding normally and doing well!! She did throw up several times throughout the night and morning and still feels a little “pukey” (as she calls it), but is doing much better. We are so relieved as we had a hard time fighting off despair the last couple of days. But are always reminded of Psalm 27:13-14 which says:

I would have despaired unless I had believed that I would see the goodness of the LORD
In the land of the living.
Wait for the LORD;
Be strong and let your heart take courage;
Yes, wait for the LORD.

I talk about some of the goodness of the Lord that we experienced during Daisy’s first battle with cancer in a sermon I gave the week she was diagnosed the second time. You can find that here: Remembering God’s previous faithfulness and redemptive kindness toward us already helps us not to lose hope currently.

After spending 13 of the last 15 days in the hospital, it looks like we are going home today or tomorrow! Daisy will be out of the hospital for 18 days and then back in for another 5 for more chemo. Let me just say, chemo sucks! Lord, help humanity find a cure for this disease!!! There has to be a better way. We have researched everything out there and for how advanced Daisy’s cancer is, this was our only viable option at the time.

Here is what the next 40 days looks like: Daisy will have to have us give her shots at home everyday that help support her immune system, since the chemo wipes it out. She will also have to have blood drawn at the cancer clinic in Santa Barbara once or twice a week. This is a lot of needles and Daisy hates “pokes” (as she calls them). Can we please pray that she has grace from God to endure the little but miserable things? After her next round of chemo (in 18 days), we wait another 18 days and then she will be scanned to see if the tumor is responding to treatment (i.e. shrinking) and able to be removed surgically either in whole or in part. Please pray that it does respond and that they are able to safely remove the whole thing. It is currently wrapped around her aorta and stomach and therefore is inoperable.

When all of that is done, we have a big decision to make. If we proceed with traditional treatment Daisy will have to undergo several more rounds of this horrific chemo and very possibly a bone marrow transplant which would leave her in an isolated room for 30 days. All of this sounds horrific to us, and we do not want to do it unless we have to. We have been exploring some alternative treatments that they are doing in Israel. They are much less destructive to your system and involve a vaccine made from the tumor cells as well as immunotherapy. We are very excited about this possibility and are praying tons about it. It would provide Daisy with a much better quality of life than chemo and has had some good success, but is very experimental and there are a lot of unknowns. We would be moving to Israel for a time and would be happy to do so. Please join us in praying about this decision… it’s huge!

Thank you for your partnership and support in all of this. We have been hearing from so many of you all over the world and have been so blessed and humbled by your love. We constantly remind ourselves of and pray for children and families that are suffering much worse but with much less support and resources. We view all of you and your love and kindness toward us as a picture of God’s grace and it causes us to rejoice. You are helping us to draw nearer to Jesus through all of this and we are always in awe of the strength and peace we find in Him.

Please forgive us for not being able to respond personally to all of your blog comments, Facebook comments, tweets and emails. But, we do read them all because they bless and encourage us so much. Thank you! We truly love you all and have experienced Christ more deeply through you as we suffer.

If you want to be able to keep up on quick updates on Daisy you can follow us on Twitter or connect with us on Facebook

Here is a picture of us all on family vacation just a month ago. It is hard to believe how quickly life changes. Please enjoy every moment of your health and with your loved ones. But above all, enjoy Jesus and know that He is able to be enjoyed even when your health and loved ones fail.

In the midst of our pain over discovering that Daisy’s tumor is back, I cannot help but admit that innumerable good things have come from Daisy’s first battle with cancer, including:

In Daisy’s Life

Daisy herself has a deep faith in God. She is a more beautiful, vibrant, joyful, happy, fun, vivacious little girl for having suffered.

In My Life

I am a better husband and a better father because of our suffering. I am a better friend and a better pastor from having gone through my daughter’s first battle with cancer. I am a better follower of Jesus. I love my wife more than I did. I love my kids more rightly. I love the church of Jesus Christ more. I love Jesus Himself far more than I loved Him before I suffered. I am more in awe of the Gospel: that I have performed so poorly and deserve death but I am treated so kindly and given life. This truth penetrates my life in a more vibrant way than it did before cancer and suffering.

In the Lives of Others

We have heard that many people have come to Christ because of Daisy’s story. We have heard of many prodigals coming home, and the vibrancy of their Christian life returning.

My wife and I looked at each other last week and recounted all the incredibly good things that have come from our suffering. Repeatedly, we have said that these things have made Daisy’s suffering and our suffering worth it. We have said to each other over and over again that we would choose to go through the battle with cancer again because of the way we have experienced Jesus and seen Him glorified in our pain. And we are doing it again.

The Suffering of a Child

When your child suffers it’s more horrific than anything we could ever imagine. It means something to humanity that God gave His own Son to suffer.

God takes our suffering and pain and heartbreaking circumstances and brings beauty out of it, which begins to answer the question: why does God allow His redeemed people to suffer?

In suffering, we are made into better people and Christ is made more beautiful. We believe that even if the worst takes place, tremendous good will come from it. This is what Scripture tells us, and our experience has confirmed it. Before our suffering with cancer, this was theological and theoretical – and now it is practical and experiential. We believe it, but now we have lived it.

The Best and the Worst

Last year was the best year of our lives and the worst year of our lives. This coming year will be worse, but it will also be better.

The pain is unbearable and it feels like we are destroyed, but we are not.

“At times God will appear like an unkind friend, but He is not; He will appear like an unnatural father, but He is not; He will appear like an unjust judge, but He is not.”

(Oswald Chambers)[1]

God appears to be all these things in our lives this week – but He is not. God is good. He is wonderful. He is the greatest treasure of our lives.

We say with Job:

Though He slay me, I will hope in Him.

-Job 13:15

But we have this treasure in earthen vessels, so that the surpassing greatness of the power will be of God and not from ourselves; we are afflicted in every way, but not crushed; perplexed, but not despairing; persecuted, but not forsaken; struck down, but not destroyed; always carrying about in the body the dying of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus also may be manifested in our body.

-2 Corinthians 4:7-10

We carry the treasure of the Gospel in these earthen vessels that are easily broken, because when we are most broken, Christ is most beautiful. This Scripture tells us that even if we be broken and struck down, we are not destroyed.

But this week, I confess to you that my family feels destroyed. I feel destroyed.

Calm Before the Storm

A week ago, I felt overjoyed. Our family had suffered through 8 months of cancer. It seemed as though Daisy had beaten it. We had seen God do so much. We were celebrating – Daisy wanted to go to Hawaii, so we did, as a family. She wanted to swing on vines, and we did. She wanted to swim with turtles, and we did. It was the best time of our lives. While we were there, Daisy began to have stomach pains. We thought she had too much shave ice. My wife put a ban on shave ice – who goes to Hawaii and can’t eat shave ice? We thought it was constipation, so we were giving her laxatives and flax oil and she was pooping her little guts out.

Preaching Christ, our Treasure

We got home Friday at 1:30 in the morning and left for LA just over 24 hours later to fly to San Francisco, where I preached on Christ as our greatest treasure.  I talked about my daughter’s previous battle with cancer and how Christ became more beautiful in our family because of suffering.

That night, we were heading out to dinner in San Francisco, and we received a call from the friend who was watching our kids. She told us that Daisy’s stomach was hurting her badly, and she didn’t know what to do. Kate and I immediately flew home to be with Daisy, and the next morning, we took her to her doctor. The pediatrician recommended we go to the ER, so we did, and they performed at CAT Scan.

“It’s Back”

When the results came back, the surgeon pulled us into a hallway, and pulled up the image of her CAT scan and there was the tumor. He looked at us and said: “It’s back. And it’s the size of a grapefruit.” The previous tumor she had since birth and it took 5 years to grow to the size of a Nerf football, but this one grew to the size of a grapefruit in weeks.

For some reason, it was so much harder to hear this time than last time. I think it was because we were so convinced this was finished. I had to go back into Daisy’s room and tell her. I had to look into her beautiful eyes and tell her,  “Your tumor is back.”

We wept. Kate and I wept uncontrollably on the floor. When we were able to speak, to pray, the first prayer that I prayed was, “Jesus, we still trust You.”

Surgery and Statistics

They took her into surgery on Wednesday morning, and removed one-third of the tumor. The rest is considered inoperable. It’s connected to her stomach and other major organs, and her aorta. They performed the tests and her tumor has favorable histology (responsive to chemotherapy) and is not anaplastic. Her proposed rate of cure is 30-50%. So there is a 50-70% chance that she won’t make it. The chances are she won’t make it.

I’m thankful that my God is not limited by statistics and yet I also know that God allows children to die. We feel destroyed. We have to tell ourselves this week that though we are struck down, by faith we are not destroyed. My wife and I had to sit down and talk about this fact:  that only good things have come from Daisy’s first battle with cancer. Innumerable good things have come from that…more on that later this week. The full message I gave yesterday is below.

Trusting Jesus,

Britt

This video gives a quick snapshot of our first journey through cancer. Yesterday, we received the pathology reports confirming that Daisy has a recurring Wilms tumor with a favorable histology (not anaplastic – that’s good news!), and medically, she has a 30-50% cure rate.

We are trusting Jesus to be faithful and believing that “not even the smallest detail of life happens unless God’s will is behind it.” – Oswald Chambers

Daisy has been recovering so well from surgery. Today, they removed her nasal gastric tube, and she was so brave! Just before they removed it, I was kissing her, and she was sad because the tube was getting in the way.

After they removed it, she ate her first food since surgery…a lime popsicle. So proud of my beautiful daughter!