In the midst of our pain over discovering that Daisy’s tumor is back, I cannot help but admit that innumerable good things have come from Daisy’s first battle with cancer, including:

In Daisy’s Life

Daisy herself has a deep faith in God. She is a more beautiful, vibrant, joyful, happy, fun, vivacious little girl for having suffered.

In My Life

I am a better husband and a better father because of our suffering. I am a better friend and a better pastor from having gone through my daughter’s first battle with cancer. I am a better follower of Jesus. I love my wife more than I did. I love my kids more rightly. I love the church of Jesus Christ more. I love Jesus Himself far more than I loved Him before I suffered. I am more in awe of the Gospel: that I have performed so poorly and deserve death but I am treated so kindly and given life. This truth penetrates my life in a more vibrant way than it did before cancer and suffering.

In the Lives of Others

We have heard that many people have come to Christ because of Daisy’s story. We have heard of many prodigals coming home, and the vibrancy of their Christian life returning.

My wife and I looked at each other last week and recounted all the incredibly good things that have come from our suffering. Repeatedly, we have said that these things have made Daisy’s suffering and our suffering worth it. We have said to each other over and over again that we would choose to go through the battle with cancer again because of the way we have experienced Jesus and seen Him glorified in our pain. And we are doing it again.

The Suffering of a Child

When your child suffers it’s more horrific than anything we could ever imagine. It means something to humanity that God gave His own Son to suffer.

God takes our suffering and pain and heartbreaking circumstances and brings beauty out of it, which begins to answer the question: why does God allow His redeemed people to suffer?

In suffering, we are made into better people and Christ is made more beautiful. We believe that even if the worst takes place, tremendous good will come from it. This is what Scripture tells us, and our experience has confirmed it. Before our suffering with cancer, this was theological and theoretical – and now it is practical and experiential. We believe it, but now we have lived it.

The Best and the Worst

Last year was the best year of our lives and the worst year of our lives. This coming year will be worse, but it will also be better.

The pain is unbearable and it feels like we are destroyed, but we are not.

“At times God will appear like an unkind friend, but He is not; He will appear like an unnatural father, but He is not; He will appear like an unjust judge, but He is not.”

(Oswald Chambers)[1]

God appears to be all these things in our lives this week – but He is not. God is good. He is wonderful. He is the greatest treasure of our lives.

We say with Job:

Though He slay me, I will hope in Him.

-Job 13:15

But we have this treasure in earthen vessels, so that the surpassing greatness of the power will be of God and not from ourselves; we are afflicted in every way, but not crushed; perplexed, but not despairing; persecuted, but not forsaken; struck down, but not destroyed; always carrying about in the body the dying of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus also may be manifested in our body.

-2 Corinthians 4:7-10

We carry the treasure of the Gospel in these earthen vessels that are easily broken, because when we are most broken, Christ is most beautiful. This Scripture tells us that even if we be broken and struck down, we are not destroyed.

But this week, I confess to you that my family feels destroyed. I feel destroyed.

Calm Before the Storm

A week ago, I felt overjoyed. Our family had suffered through 8 months of cancer. It seemed as though Daisy had beaten it. We had seen God do so much. We were celebrating – Daisy wanted to go to Hawaii, so we did, as a family. She wanted to swing on vines, and we did. She wanted to swim with turtles, and we did. It was the best time of our lives. While we were there, Daisy began to have stomach pains. We thought she had too much shave ice. My wife put a ban on shave ice – who goes to Hawaii and can’t eat shave ice? We thought it was constipation, so we were giving her laxatives and flax oil and she was pooping her little guts out.

Preaching Christ, our Treasure

We got home Friday at 1:30 in the morning and left for LA just over 24 hours later to fly to San Francisco, where I preached on Christ as our greatest treasure.  I talked about my daughter’s previous battle with cancer and how Christ became more beautiful in our family because of suffering.

That night, we were heading out to dinner in San Francisco, and we received a call from the friend who was watching our kids. She told us that Daisy’s stomach was hurting her badly, and she didn’t know what to do. Kate and I immediately flew home to be with Daisy, and the next morning, we took her to her doctor. The pediatrician recommended we go to the ER, so we did, and they performed at CAT Scan.

“It’s Back”

When the results came back, the surgeon pulled us into a hallway, and pulled up the image of her CAT scan and there was the tumor. He looked at us and said: “It’s back. And it’s the size of a grapefruit.” The previous tumor she had since birth and it took 5 years to grow to the size of a Nerf football, but this one grew to the size of a grapefruit in weeks.

For some reason, it was so much harder to hear this time than last time. I think it was because we were so convinced this was finished. I had to go back into Daisy’s room and tell her. I had to look into her beautiful eyes and tell her,  “Your tumor is back.”

We wept. Kate and I wept uncontrollably on the floor. When we were able to speak, to pray, the first prayer that I prayed was, “Jesus, we still trust You.”

Surgery and Statistics

They took her into surgery on Wednesday morning, and removed one-third of the tumor. The rest is considered inoperable. It’s connected to her stomach and other major organs, and her aorta. They performed the tests and her tumor has favorable histology (responsive to chemotherapy) and is not anaplastic. Her proposed rate of cure is 30-50%. So there is a 50-70% chance that she won’t make it. The chances are she won’t make it.

I’m thankful that my God is not limited by statistics and yet I also know that God allows children to die. We feel destroyed. We have to tell ourselves this week that though we are struck down, by faith we are not destroyed. My wife and I had to sit down and talk about this fact:  that only good things have come from Daisy’s first battle with cancer. Innumerable good things have come from that…more on that later this week. The full message I gave yesterday is below.

Trusting Jesus,

Britt

This video gives a quick snapshot of our first journey through cancer. Yesterday, we received the pathology reports confirming that Daisy has a recurring Wilms tumor with a favorable histology (not anaplastic – that’s good news!), and medically, she has a 30-50% cure rate.

We are trusting Jesus to be faithful and believing that “not even the smallest detail of life happens unless God’s will is behind it.” – Oswald Chambers

Daisy has been recovering so well from surgery. Today, they removed her nasal gastric tube, and she was so brave! Just before they removed it, I was kissing her, and she was sad because the tube was getting in the way.

After they removed it, she ate her first food since surgery…a lime popsicle. So proud of my beautiful daughter!

My 9 year old son, Isaiah, wrote this amazing psalm (in these amazing colors):

O Lord you guide me through life

You are my shield that will stay with me forever

You are my flashlight with batteries that go on forever

I will be with you and obey your commands

You are the general we are the army

We will obey your commands and obey your laws

You made us and created us

You created everything and I thank you for that

You are my God and I will not leave you

You are mighty and powerful

By Isaiah Merrick